These Thoughts
by Felinae Silvestris
Summary: Coricopat is having disturbing thoughts. He fears the consequences of acting on them, but perhaps it is worth taking the risk anyway. If he's lucky, his sister won't hate him for ever. Warning: deals with incest. Read at own risk, nothing graphic.


A/N: Uhm. Yeah. This is an interesting little piece I wrote a while ago at the request of a friend. However, I never posted it or mentioned it since I have another friend who might not like it. However, with all the Jonascest fics plaguing this site, and the incest stories in multiple fandoms which just irritate me because they're always: Oh, I love my sister/brother, let's just jump into bed and do it and everything will be fine. It's not like that and these types of relationships are never that simple. So yeah, this is how it's done, not that it's perfect but it's more realistic than some I've seen. This fic may be continued, as the ending is way too happy for my liking, but yes.

So yes, I shouldn't need to warn you that there is incest in this fic. That's what the whole thing is about. If you're squicked by it, fine, don't read any further. There is nothing graphic though... or else it wouldn't be posted here. It's also the first time I've really written about these two, which is a shame because they're both wonderful characters with a lot of potential other than the creepy mystical twins who say something insightful then run off together.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cats or it's characters.

* * *

Coricopat was pacing. It was something that he rarely did, preferring to contemplate various things in a relaxed, meditative state. However, the thoughts running through his mind at the moment were making him nervous and agitated. He wanted to pace. Luckily the den was large enough for him to have enough space. Their den was built for two, a solid wooden trunk with a panel loose enough to form a door. Inside, the partitions served well as walls, splitting the den into separate rooms. Currently, Coricopat was in the largest room as it had the most room to pace without tripping over the candle stubs they used for light.

It was safe to say that Coricopat had a lot of thoughts about a lot of things. It was what he did best and what he liked doing. He could spend hours meditating on the mysteries of life, why life exists, the Everlasting Cat, why humans insist on eating that disgusting fast food stuff, and of course, like most toms, he had thoughts about queens.

Normally, thoughts like that didn't bother Coricopat and neither should they, as they were obviously very natural. Natural thoughts were fine, but lately Coricopat's thoughts were terribly unnatural. At least, he thought so. There was one queen who seemed to be plaguing his mind of late, the one queen he couldn't have and shouldn't want.

Coricopat had always been close to his sister, Tantomile was his twin and also his best friend. They'd grown up together, and unlike some siblings, they'd stayed together. Of course, both of them had their own friends as well, particularly during kitten-hood when groups were split by gender. It did them good to spend some time apart, allowing their individual personalities to develop, but they still remained very close.

The dark tom sighed, pausing in his pacing with the hope it might help him focus. He had to do something about these thoughts. They bothered him all day, and haunted his dreams at night. He'd always loved his sister, but now he was sure that he loved her as more than that. She was beginning to notice that something was wrong, Coricopat had been acting out of sorts and he knew it. So did she, and her questions only made things worse. He wanted to tell her, but the thought of revealing the truth really terrified him. She would probably never speak to him again.

Maybe if he told her it was someone else. Then she'd want to know who and he couldn't lie to her. He'd never been able to lie to Tantomile. He couldn't tell her the truth though, not this time. He knew that whatever kind of reaction, it was going to be bad. At best, she would just never speak to him again; at worst, well, he didn't want to think about that.

He couldn't stand it much longer, being around Tantomile only made things worse. Surely, the best thing he could do was stay away from her, just leave and get out of her life for good. He couldn't just go without saying goodbye though; Coricopat knew that she'd go looking for him if he just vanished without a trace.

Twenty minutes later and he was ready to leave. He'd taken just a few small items, mostly sentimental in value and he'd written a carefully thought out letter of apology to his sister.

_Dear Tantomile,_

_I'm sorry. I wish there was another way, but I can't live like this anymore. It's torture, and it's my fault. Please, don't look for me. You deserve better for a brother than me. I will miss you and it hurts to do this but I have no choice. Maybe one day you can forgive me?_

_I love you_

_Coricopat_

He left it on her bed, where he knew she would find it and then he walked out of their home, out of the Junkyard and into the future, free of torture and free of thoughts that he shouldn't have.

* * *

"Cori? You here?" A soft voice called out, receiving no reply from the empty den. "Guess not." Tantomile muttered to herself, closing the door. The place was quiet, and it felt somewhat eerie to her. She checked the rooms, to see if her brother was napping somewhere or something but there was no sign of him. She entered her bedroom last, although she couldn't think why he'd be there.

She spotted the note on her bed, padding over to pick it up. She read it over quickly, then read it again more slowly. Panic shot through her, as she realised what he'd done. She stared at the paper, no longer reading the words. How could he leave her like that? What had she done?

Tantomile didn't need much time to decide to look for him. She tossed the note on the bed, running back out the door and heading straight out of the Junkyard. There was no scent to follow, the wind was against her and it was starting to get dark. She wouldn't give up though, something was seriously wrong and she couldn't bear the thought of her brother out here alone. Especially when she didn't know why, or if he was safe, it gave her chills just thinking about what could have happened to him. She loved Coricopat, there was no way she could just let him go like that and forget about him.

It took her half the night to find him. The dark queen hunted high and low, checking in every alleyway and cul-de-sac for a sign of her identical twin. Eventually, as she was almost ready to give up for the night, Tantomile took a shortcut through an overgrown garden. The darkness of the house created shadows aplenty, and it meant that she didn't notice the curled up form of a cat on the back porch. The building was clearly abandoned, a boarded up window and a discarded kitchen appliance made that pretty clear.

Tantomile gave a sudden yelp, lifting her paw and almost falling over as she fought to keep her balance. She couldn't quite see, but it definitely hurt. She'd obviously stood on something. She rubbed her foot gingerly, hoping it would stop hurting before she fell over. She heard a gasp coming from the direction of the house and looked up to see what it was. There was a dark form of a cat standing in the porch and it rather looked like…

"Cori? Is that you?"

"Tantomile, what are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you."

"You should have stayed where you were. Why did you come here?"

"Because. I had to. I couldn't stand the thought of you out here alone, Cori," she took a step towards him, "I was worried. There's something wrong, and I want to help."

"You can't."

"But…"

"You can't help with this."

"I want to try. Coricopat, I love y-"

"No! Don't. Don't say that."

"Why not? It's true." Tantomile retorted, sniffling loudly. She was obviously close to tears by this point. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"Because, I can't," he replied, turning his back on his sister.

Tantomile sighed, going up behind him and slipping her arms around him. She frowned when she felt him tense in her embrace. "You can tell me anything, Cori. Anything at all."

"Not this. You don't get it. You'll hate me, you'll never want to speak to me again." Coricopat insisted, trying to wriggle out of her grip. "It's not right."

"Nothing could make me hate you, Cori. You're my brother, my twin and my best friend." Tantomile explained, not letting go.

"That's exactly the problem," the dark tom muttered dryly, trying once again to shrug her off.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tantomile demanded, although now she thought she knew. She didn't see how it could be, but it was the first thing she thought of that made sense. It made a whole lot of sense to her actually, but she wanted to be sure before she said anything.

Coricopat pushed her away, turning around to face her. He looked scared, his breathing fast and shallow. It was hard to be sure in the heavy darkness, but he looked as close to tears as his sister was.

"I'm… I'm in love with you," he whispered finally, partly relieved that he'd said it but more terrified of the response.

"Oh Cori," the queen sighed sadly, her suspicions confirmed. It was forbidden, they both knew that. They shouldn't even be thinking like that, but Tantomile knew because she'd thought about it too. The dark queen had simply suppressed her thoughts, assuming they'd go away and she'd find someone else soon enough.

"That's why I had to leave, you hate me now. I knew it."

"I don't hate you. I love you Cori. I always will."

"But…"

"But nothing."

"No, I…"

"Hush," the dark queen whispered, silencing his protests with a kiss. She was always the boldest of the pair, although there was a flutter of nervousness making her feel a little shaky. It didn't feel wrong, like her mind told her it should. It felt right for her to allow his tongue to part her lips; it felt good to press her body against his. Nothing about this felt wrong.

But it was. It was all over too soon. The twins stared at one another for what felt like forever before either one spoke.

"We shouldn't be doing this, it's wrong."

"I know, Cori. I just… it doesn't feel wrong."

"But it is."

Tantomile sighed, fixing her fur with her claws nervously. It felt awkward now, with the sinking realisation that she'd just kissed her brother. She wanted to do it again, but she couldn't. She wanted to curl up with him and sleep, she always felt safe when he was with her. They hadn't shared a bed since they were kittens.

"Please come home with me, Cori. Don't leave because of this."

"But… okay. This stops here though, because I don't think either of us will be able to stand it."

Tantomile nodded, turning around to blink away tears. Why did it have to hurt? "Come on, lets go home."

The twins walked through the dark streets in total silence. It didn't seem right to talk about what had happened and there was never any need for small talk. They arrived back at their den and separated, each heading for their own bedroom to sleep and pretend that everything was normal.

* * *

"Tant? You awake?" a soft whisper carried through the bedroom.

Tantomile heard it, she hadn't been able to sleep, continually going over what happened in her mind. "Yes."

"I can't sleep. I… can't stop thinking about…"

"Me neither," the queen interrupted, rubbing her damp cheeks with a paw. She turned over, so that she was facing Coricopat.

"It's not right."

"I know. Nobody needs to know a thing."

"So what… we can't…"

"Shouldn't."

"But…"

"You want to."

Coricopat nodded, swallowing hard. This was probably one of the scariest conversations he'd ever had with anyone. He fidgeted in the doorway, torn between running and staying.

"I… come here."

"What?"

"Come on, it's not like we've never slept in the same bed before."

"But… okay." Coricopat gave in, he knew he'd never sleep so maybe it would do them good to talk this over. He closed the bedroom door, aware of the significance of this. He padded across the room, sitting down on the very edge of the bed.

Tantomile felt shy now, there were too many suggestive overtones and it was such a strange situation she couldn't help but blush a little. At the same time, she hated how awkward it felt.

"Cori… what are we going to do?"

"Should we do anything?"

"Well, yeah. Now that we both know… I can't just leave it."

"I'm scared."

"Not of me, surely."

"No. What if someone found out? I was terrified enough of what you would say."

"Nobody has to know anything," Tantomile repeated, "It's just between us."

Coricopat toyed with a corner of the blanket, before making a decision. He shifted, pulling the blanket over him so that he was lying down properly in the bed. He lay there, staring up at the ceiling in the hope that an easy answer might magically appear there.

"Look, we don't have to do anything here. It's all out in the open now, maybe we should try to sleep, or something."

"Mm…" came Coricopat's non-committal response.

"What?"

"I… I don't want to sleep."

"Okay."

"I'm just thinking… what if, what if I don't care that it's wrong."

"What? You don't mean…"

"Yeah, I do. I can't help how I feel."

"Oh. Well, I don't…" Tantomile was now the one sounding uncertain. In truth, she thought she was just scared, but that was something she couldn't help.

In a moment of boldness, the dark tom shifted over, slipping a paw around his sister's waist. She gasped softly, meeting his eyes for what seemed like the first time. Before she knew what was happening, he was kissing her again, her body held close against his. The kiss was sweet and gentle, so strange yet his scent surrounding her was just so familiar and comforting. Lines had been crossed, yet it felt so right just then.

Tentative paws found new ways to touch, exploring a territory both familiar and strangely novel. Neither of them were particularly experienced but it didn't matter. As the nervousness faded, confidence grew between the pair. All those feelings of wrongness melted away into the background as brother and sister explored this strange new territory together.

Everything was wonderful, novel and exciting, until Coricopat spoke, shattering the dream-like magic in an instant.

"What if someone finds out? We shouldn't…"

"Hush, it'll be okay. We've kept secrets before."

"But…"

"Shhh. I love you Cori. Let's get some sleep, it's late. We'll talk more in the morning." Tantomile said, quelling any arguments as she rolled over, pulling her brother's paw around her and settling down in his arms.

"I love you, Tanta," the dark tom whispered, pulling his sister in close. The twins fell asleep together, their only thoughts about each other. It was easy then, to forget their worries and just rest.


End file.
